Please Shut Up, Beth...

I choose to believe it is a testament to my friendly and seemingly innocent demeanor that I managed to avoid offending an extremely nice gentleman.  (I hope.)  I should also credit my lifelong aura of “niceness” (something I usually bemoan) and his good nature.

The gentleman - a salesman at Staples - was assisting me in finding a power adapter and cover for my new Kindle.  The power adapter?  No problem.  But the availability of covers to fit my particular Kindle was limited.  As we leaned forward gazing at the selection in the small display area, we were so close our heads almost touched. 

Taking one of the covers off a metal rung, he held it out for my inspection.  “How about this one?”

I gave it a brief glance, resumed looking at the display and announced, “I don’t like the colour black.”  As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I froze - mortified. 

He was black. 

Up to this point, we’d had been engaging in a friendly chat about e-readers & other book related topics.  There was now compete and utter silence.  Which lasted only a matter of seconds but which seemed much, much longer.

I didn’t dare look at him to gauge his reaction to my thoughtless & offensive (although unintentionally so) remark.  Nor did I apologise or attempt an explanation for fear of making an awkward situation even more so.  Instead, in an effort to rectify my social faux pas, I committed yet another one.  “But I do like brown.”

I bought the black cover.  It fit.  And it looks very nice.

To my amazement, he walked with me to the cashier’s desk, carrying the adapter.  Which I was quite capable of carrying myself.  And he resumed our friendly chat – stayed with me while I paid for my purchases.

He chose to overlook (forgive?) my stupid, stupid, stupid remarks.  Or perhaps he never even noticed my insensitivity?  I wish…  

I still cringe thinking of the encounter.  And while I didn’t apologise then, I’m offering an apology now.  For all the good that does…

Worse yet?  (Well, it can’t be worse than what I did.)  I can’t be certain or guarantee I won’t do such a thing again.  How does one censor a lifelong tendency to be friendly, chatty and unguarded?  I suppose I could always restrict myself to “yes” or “no” and “please” and “thank you” responses when talking with strangers. 

Doubtful.

photo credit: goggle images

If Right Feels Wrong, Is It Right?

A friend and I recently discussed people who - for whatever reason - are “toxic to the soul” and how it’s best to distance oneself from their lives and/or remove them from your own.  Fortunately, I’ve encountered very few such people in my life.  And since I’m not a confrontational sort of person, I tend to just drift away rather than having it out with someone.  Cowardly?  Yes.  Self-preservation?  That, too.

But then I get stuck on the concept of forgiveness and feelings of regret once I’ve drifted.  When I mentioned these stumbling blocks to my friend, she sighed.  She knows me well.

“You’ve already given these people a second or third chance,” she noted.  “But go ahead, try forgiveness again - let them back in your life.  They’ll be just the same as they were before and you’ll end up hurt and stressed again.”

“But what if this time I explain what’s wrong, how their actions affect others?  Maybe then they’d change.”

“Okay, go ahead and try that, too.  Odds are they won’t understand or change.  Toxic is who and what they are.”

Valid points.  Reluctantly, I admit she’s probably right.  So why do I still feel guilt, remorse and sorrow because these people are no longer part of my life?  Particularly when it comes to family. 

And why do so many clichés, sayings, Bible verses, etc. exist encouraging me to feel this way?

Turn the other cheek…  [Matthew 5:39]

Forgive and forget.

Do unto others...  [Matthew 7:12]

Life’s too short to hold a grudge.

Sticks and stones may hurt my bones

But words will never hurt me  (but they do)

Blood is thicker than water.

Never give up on people.

You can choose your friends but not your family.

Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible.  ~ Dalai Lama  (not so sure about this advice anymore)

I suspect the following cliché is the most appropriate for someone like me:

“You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t…”

photo credit: google images

Connection

This post is dedicated to all who own iPhones, Blackberrys, Smartphones, Dumbphones….and WHO ARE INCAPABLE of putting their thumbs to rest and these gadgets aside when in the company of someone who is visible – whose presence requires the use of all five senses.  Well, perhaps not always smell, touch and taste but definitely sight and hearing.

The list includes two of my sons.  The third is like his mother – doesn’t feel the necessity to be connected with the entire world (slight exaggeration) at all times.  We happen to enjoy the company of the people we’re with – like to give them our undivided attention and receive theirs.

Enjoy the song – and take note of the chorus.

Love the One You're With – Crosby, Stills & Nash

Lyrics

If you're down and confused

And you don't remember who you're talkin' to

Concentration slips away

Cause your baby is so far away.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad,

Don't sit cryin' over good things you've had,

There's a girl right next to you

And she's just waiting for something you do.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

Turn your heartache right into joy

She's a girl, you're a boy,

Get it together make it nice

Ain't gonna need anymore advice.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

photo credit: http://www.lip-service.com/webzine/tag/texting-addiction/

Sticks and Stones...

“….but words will never hurt me.”

Oh, yes, words can and do hurt.

Seen and overheard in the parking lot of the LCBO:

A middle-aged couple – the wife (I assume) carrying some bottles of liquor and the husband with a cart full of them.

Wife (SHOUTING): “What the hell are you doing? I told you to stay….”

(I didn’t catch the rest of this – was in shock at the volume of and venom in her voice.)

Husband: “…mumble, mumble, mumble…”

(I didn’t catch this at all – his voice was barely audible.)

Wife (SHOUTING EVEN LOUDER): “Are you deaf or just plain stupid?”

Holy shit. This kind of thing may go in the privacy of peoples’ homes but in public?? I would not want to cross this woman and apparently neither did he. He didn’t respond to her question.

My sister and I glanced at them in passing (kind of hard not to) as we made our way to the LCBO. The woman waved her arm and yelled, “Go!” Was she talking to us or to him? We didn’t pause to find out – just kept walking.


Various Conclusions:

1. This marriage is in big trouble.

2. This is a marriage made in heaven – a sadist paired with masochist.

3. Although it was only 1:30 p.m., they’d already been drinking – or she had.

4. Once they returned home and started in on the newly purchased bottles, either one of them was going to suffer bodily harm or the husband was going to be subjected to even more verbal abuse. Or both.

An example of in vinos, veritas? Ugly, ugly truths.

This happened four days ago. Obviously, I found it disturbing since I’m still thinking about it. I know people can be cruel to one another and while I have theories as to why (low self-esteem? massive insecurities? power issues?) I’ve just never really understood how someone can inflict such cruelty upon another human being.

I’m not totally naïve, though. Evil exists. I just happen to live in a neighbourhood where it’s rarely seen.


photo credit: http://torontoist.com/2009/06/all_drink.php

Have Been Busy...

Confession. My recent absence wasn’t due to any nasty respiratory virus. There were just so many repair jobs to be done around here that it seemed entirely reasonable and logical for Canadian icon and contractor extraordinaire Mike Holmes* of Holmes on Homes to temporarily move in to complete them all. I was kept very busy playing the role of his able assistant. As a memento of our time together, he left me with the above photo.

I’m still smiling…

Confession #2. Confession #1 is simply wishful thinking/fantasy on my part – on so many levels - the virus, the repairs, Mr. Holmes. The truth? My son met him at a convention this week and brought home the autographed picture for his dear old mom. Thanks, Teds.


Truth or fantasy, I’m still smiling…

…because my son thought of me
…because the comment on the photo is so apropos right now
…because I am (90%?) back in the world of good health (knock on wood)



(*Not sure how well known Mike Holmes is outside of Canada but I do know his TV show airs in the U.S. and that he helped out in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Have also previously mentioned him on my blog.)

Would That I Could...

"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."

George Saunders


Be honest. Don’t you wish you had the nerve to say that at certain times? Or, better yet, that it was a socially acceptable thing to say?

The “good-bye” bit adds a nice touch. Kind of softens the blow. (Maybe.)

Think of all the places you might like to use such an escape clause – meetings, mandatory social functions, parties, listening to speeches or having been introduced (by a friend!) to an excruciatingly boring person…

And since I’m already clutching a one way ticket to hell (prior sins), I’ll even add sermons to the list. When I was a churchgoer, it pained me to hear the minister begin his sermon with the words, “This morning I will be covering four points….” So, you listen attentively to the first point, sort of drift off during the second and - BAM – are suddenly alert and dismayed when you hear him say, “Now on to my third point.” We’re only on the third point?!! No more drifting. Now you’re antsy sitting on that pew.

Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, I was recently (as in, yesterday) caught in a boring conversation. I remained polite throughout. But if such an expression were socially acceptable (did not hurt anyone’s feelings) I would have used it.

It occurs to me as I write that people might feel the same way when stuck in conversation with me - might wish to take their leave of me. Ouch.

At least I’m not at the point where I bore myself – it would be awfully difficult to say good-bye and leave under those circumstances. So far, me, myself and I find me to be excellent company.



For those of you who might be curious as to the origins of the word good-bye (as I was) here’s a brief history from Bartleby.com

“No doubt more than one reader has wondered exactly how goodbye is derived from the phrase “God be with you.” To understand this, it is helpful to see earlier forms of the expression, such as God be wy you, god b'w'y, godbwye, god buy' ye, and good-b'wy. The first word of the expression is now good and not God, for good replaced God by analogy with such expressions as good day, perhaps after people no longer had a clear idea of the original sense of the expression. A letter of 1573 written by Gabriel Harvey contains the first recorded use of goodbye: “To requite your gallonde [gallon] of godbwyes, I regive you a pottle of howdyes,” recalling another contraction that is still used.”


Love that! A pottle of howdyes!

Technical Support (And Laughs)

I rarely use the Video-on-Demand feature of the cable television but last night thought I’d watch a movie recommended by various bloggers. (Love Actually.)

No such luck. All I saw was, “Warning, this movie may contain coarse language…blah, blah, blah…” and the screen went black. Next, a phone number appeared and I was advised to report my problem. Okay, will do. Don’t want to pay for something I didn’t see.

Here’s where my luck changed.

The nicest guy came on the line. We must have chatted for about 30 minutes. (Some of that time was spent giving technically challenged Beth directions.) We talked about movies, books, dogs – nothing inappropriate. Just plain fun and interesting. And we laughed. Looking back, it seems odd to have shared laughter with a complete stranger but hey, laughter is good any time, any place and with anyone.

When it was established that no matter what he did at his end or I on mine, the movie was not going to appear, I thanked him for his efforts.

His reply? “I’m here for another three hours – we can keep talking.”

Hmm. That seemed wrong. I didn’t take him up on the offer.

But still, those 30 minutes were a reminder that life is full of unexpected and delightful moments – encountering such friendly, engaging people in the craziest of ways.

Better yet? I was NEVER put on hold!

Citizen of the World

Oreneta honoured me with the above award and with these kind words:

“To Books Beth because she is always empathetic even when she has crap of her own to deal with...and she is funny too. Not sweet though. A little edgier than that, and that is a compliment.”

Thank you, my friend. And I do appreciate the “edgy” bit.

While I’m a citizen of the world in the general sense (I do live on the planet) I don’t consider myself particularly worldly. I haven’t traveled enough nor have I experienced so many things I once dreamed of doing.

But Oreneta provided a definition of what it means to be a Citizen of the World that I can relate to:

“So, in honour of folks who can look beyond themselves, their accustomed way of thinking, their own culture and beliefs and see that others can be correct, that they have valuable contributions to make and are worth knowing and loving, and who recognise that there is more than one way of doing EVERYTHING…”

And she ended her post with this question:

“What do you think constitutes a woman of the world?”

Woman and/or Citizen of the World – both require empathy, the ability to care. And you really don’t have to have traveled the world to care about others. Nor do you have to be experienced and worldly in order to do your best to understand those around you and those far away. You must simply consider yourself connected to others in a very basic and humane way - and act accordingly.

I’ve previously mentioned that I’ve always encouraged my children to live their lives according to these simple words: Be kind. It works for them and it works for me.

To be compassionate, kind and committed – incorporate those traits in your everyday life and you are a Citizen of the World. And you don’t have go very far at all to put them into action.


I would like to pass on the award to:

Attila - because from her corner of the world she reaches out to so many with her humour, understanding and compassion.

Sherry - because she is an inspiration to everyone whose life she touches…and she has so touched mine.



(I finally had to limit myself to two choices because my list was going on forever. I chose one person from my “old” blogger pal group and one from the “new.” There are so many Citizens of the World out there. You know who you are.)

Smile, Scrooges

Ventured out on Saturday to do some Christmas shopping.

(I am so behind…)

Way too many grumpy people.

BUT, if you say a few friendly words to someone, you’re rewarded with a smile and some friendly words in return.

People actually seem grateful for the opportunity to smile.

HELLO! It’s Christmas time!

Kind of helps to remember why you’re out there.


(Above image courtesy of the Internet. My wrapped gifts never look like that.)

Of Books and Friends

If you enjoyed Gail Anderson-Dargatz’s previous novels (The Cure For Death By Lightning, A Recipe For Bees and A Rhinestone Button) you’ll be happy to know she has produced another great read.

Turtle Valley is a story of a family brought together during a time of crisis – each member possessing their own special needs, secrets and losses. As a raging fire encroaches upon their home – threatening lives, precious keepsakes and memories – the family learns at what price secrets have been kept. They must learn to understand and forgive both themselves and one another in order to let the go of those secrets and to continue on despite loss. Although the fire ultimately erases their physical surroundings, the memories they uncover and share enable the family to embark upon a future far more open and liberating.

I must confess there were moments I felt overwhelmed by the numerous images/references to fire (i.e. “Lady-bug, lady-bug, fly away home…,” an old flame “rekindled”), memory loss (i.e. characters suffering from dementia, stroke, post-traumatic stress disorder) and the past (ghostly images haunting their lives). Ultimately, the author makes it work. You acknowledge the references and continue on – engrossed in a compelling tale of coming to terms with the mysteries of the past and of a family whose love and care for one other is so tenderly portrayed.

One of my favourite parts of the book are the black and white photographs that appear at the beginning of each chapter. They show cherished items from the past – precious possessions which allow us to preserve and keep our memories alive.

Those memories of who we once were, and of those who came before us, provide guidance and direction as to who we are now and what we shall become.



THE COLORS of FRIENDSHIP
Shari of Literally-Blindsided passed along this award to me.

Thank you, my friend.

To those who receive this award, the following description applies:

"They color my life with the beautiful hues of friendship. Although we come from different backgrounds and cultures we share the same spirit of friendship."

Blogging and other means of communication via the Internet enable us to touch the lives of so many people we would otherwise never know. Friendships are formed - laughter and sorrow are shared. The world and those who inhabit it have become far more accessible. That “spirit of friendship” crosses both borders and language barriers. May it continue to do so and make the world a kinder and more peaceful place.

As usual, I’m stymied as to passing along the award – not because there’s no one worthy but because all my blog friends are. I once bestowed an award to everyone – no takers.

I’ll try again. You are all worthy and deserve it.

My friends - consider yourself awarded.

Leo Lit Up My Life

Strange post title but it’s true. Leo did light up my life.

I met him in the local Staples store where I’d gone to purchase zip discs for my Zip Drive to back up work from my computer.

(I am now aware zip discs and Zip Drives are obsolete, thank you very much. I’m beginning to think I am too.)

Leo was a customer looking at computers who overheard the salesclerk inform me the store hadn’t carried zip discs for years.

I’m guessing Leo is in his twenties.

I know Leo is not shy and possesses a heart of gold.

Without a moment’s hesitation he gave me a big smile and said, “Hey, I have lots of zip discs I no longer use. You’re welcome to have them.”

After much sputtering on my part (wow, thanks, how? when? where? Are you sure?) I gave him my phone number. Correction – I gave his girlfriend my phone number. I’m old enough to be Leo’s mother but I’m not that trusting.

I never thought he’d call. He did.

Arrangements were made and two nights later, my eldest and I drove over to Leo’s apartment building. (We got lost. Eldest commented, “We’re not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Good point but we still weren’t where we were supposed to be.)

Leo met us in the parking lot. Not only did he give me tons of zip discs, he gave me a zip drive. AND I GAVE HIM A LOUSY TWENTY! Had no idea the discs cost as much as they did until I got home and saw a sticker price. (I’d been using a stash purchased many, many years ago and not by me.)

Leo (whose last name and exact address I do not know), I owe you big time! Not just for the discs but for your kindness and generosity.

You know that Pay It Forward concept? The passing along of a good deed? I’ll be doing it. For Leo. And for every person who takes the time to do something kind for a perfect stranger.

(I’m definitely not a “perfect” stranger but I’m thinking Leo is pretty damn close to perfect…)