Monday, August 18, 2008

Not A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a woman who led a wonderful life. One day, she woke up from that dream - or, rather, was rudely awakened from it.

Upon awakening, she analysed the dream and came to the conclusion that the mind possesses an incredible ability to see only what it wants to see, to compromise and adapt to circumstances it never should and that (amazingly enough) the heart is capable of feeling love where none exists.

That woman no longer entirely trusts her mind and heart – but that is a good thing. (She thinks.) She is wary and cautious but still has the capacity to love and experience joy.

As she proceeds with her new life (which is not a dream) she has discovered things about herself that lay dormant far too long. One such thing is happiness. She had no idea how deeply buried that sense of joy and delight in herself and in life had been. So much of the happiness she experienced in that dream had been an illusion.

She has also discovered that despite having experienced repeated betrayals, unjust treatment and unwarranted harsh words for well over a year, she has the strength to absorb such things and remain standing – remain strong.

That doesn’t mean such cruelty doesn’t send her reeling – it does. But never long enough to destroy her newfound happiness or send her into retreat.

Sadly, she has recently come to the conclusion that being strong is not enough. She too must begin to use weapons in the battle. She’s not 100% sure of her ability to do this. It is so not her. And yet, perhaps it is - now. It is who she has become – against her will but out of necessity.

Empowered by frustration and anger, she has finally set in motion certain events. She is no longer willing to endure this ordeal simply hoping for a fair and just outcome.

Is she apprehensive? Of course she is. She would be a fool not to be. But she adheres to the belief that true courage means proceeding despite one’s fear.

Her biggest fear? It is not her adversary. Her biggest fear is that the essence of who she is and always has been will change as she makes use of weapons she has never held before. That person would be missed.

Without a doubt, this is the most personal post I have ever written. I do so for various reasons – one of which is to explain that there is so much more to the person I reveal on this blog, so much more going on in my life. It has always been my choice as to what I write but there are times I feel I have created a fictional character because I have left out so much. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad – it is all me.

And to my children (who may read this) – my apologies for any and all hurts you have suffered and will suffer. Know that my happiness and love for you has never been a dream. It is so very real.


La La said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
patricia said...

Oh no...I'm so sorry things have gotten to this point. Knowing what I know about you, you have reached this point only as a last result. I wish you all the best in your on-going battle, and pray that it will be over soon (and be victorious!!)

And of course, I knew that the one part of the Fairy Tale would continue to be real – your love for your boys.

Stay strong!!

Eileen said...

I see behind the blog, the unresolved hurt that sits within you. I also see a wonderful, caring woman who has always been strong, but is starting to believe in her own inner strength. You are doing what you need to do for yourself and your boys out of pure love.

You are not alone, please remember and believe that.

Love to you.

Shari/"Whiger" said...

Ah, Beth, I have a feeling that when the war is over, you will still find strength that keeps you standing, from all your online friends, family, and in-person friends, and most importantly, God will be there to hold you up, too. I do so understand the weapons and barriers you may need to fight and sheild yourself. I also, from reading this, believe that your boys will see that you have considered their feelings, too.

Stay strong. We won't let you fall. HUGS.

megan said...

You may be surprised by your 'new found' strength, but I've been witness to it my whole life. You are loved. And I am so proud of you.

Beth said...

oh Beth....thank you so much for sharing this part of you with all of us. I know how hard this was to post....but you know what? You are such a STRONG woman and I would gladly be your "wingman" any day!!!

I am blessed to count you as my friend....and you CAN and WILL get through this wihout losing who you are.

The Guy Who Writes This said...

It has been about a year now. The mourning is over and now it's time to take out the trash. Good for you, Darlin.

Sornie said...

That is some very powerful writing and just know that overcoming those fears is tough but also rewarding because fear is just another obstacle to true happiness and success.

Lynn said...


Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

In times like these, I would go read the story of David in the Valley of Elah. He went in a boy and ended up a king.

I pray you find all of the courage, clarity, and inner peace you will need.

All Mod Cons said...

Blat Blat Blat...Boooooooom! BANG!

(Plane, guns, explosions...just in case you were wondering...weapons thingy).

And remember your goggles. Can't fly a plane and go to war without goggles. Just like Biggles.

Sherry said...

I know that you won't "change" the "who" you really are...that just isn't possible. But the "whole" you will make you sit back and think "where has this woman been all my life?" -- because the whole of who you are has the strength to use the weapons she actually posesses. And rather than thinking of how all of this might make you someone different -- think how it will make you who you are meant to be. Like David...he didn't worry if people would think differently of him once he threw that rock at Goliath. And when people "cheered" (okay so in my versison they cheered!), he was still the same David he had always been.

Sherry said...

btw -- I LOVE the comment from "the guy who writes this" yyyyeeeeesssss!!!!! ^5!!!!

Beth said...

To All:
Thank you so much for your words of support and for caring.
You’ve helped – you really have.
The blogging world is a strange and wonderful thing, isn’t it?

Lainey-Paney said...

well...I wish you strength, perserverence, & STRATEGY.

Mrs. G. said...

Oh, Beth. I am sorry that you are knee deep in unpleasant, but I am thrilled to have a much desired window into the real you. I know that you are strong and I know you can do what needs to be done to take care of yourself and your family. And I am SO GLAD that you have been experiencing real joy.

Diesel said...

I don't think the weapons will change you, unless you wield them with malice. I wish you the best in your struggles.

PrincessB said...

I wish you all the best.

VE said...

Really, you have a life and a personality and so much more...and you wield weapons? Wow! And here I thought you were just scared of bears... ;)

Lynda said...

Before enlightenment:
Chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment:
Chop wood, carry water.

Whatever is going on in your life, know that this is a period of learning and this too shall pass.

OK, so now for the real world... in tough times I find myself lost in a cloud of self-doubt... only to find the way out, more complete and with a sly smirk on the inside knowing I am stronger than anyone gives me credit for. A while back I thought that life could not get much worse.... and now I am here. Take time each day to listen to yourself...and let your friends and the people who truly love you hold you up when you need it.

Love Lynda

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msb said...

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

I know I've said it before but after your email it is so important to me to let you know that it's the truth and always will be.

I will be there for you until I die and will help you in every and any way.

No matter what, you are the winner.

Charlotta-love said...

I liked Cheri @ blog this mom's comment. I don't think anyone realizes their true strength or potential until they are tried.

Beth, you started as a diamond in the rough. Soon your worth will shine.