Sunday, July 20, 2008

You Can Dress Her Up...

So, Friday I’m on my way to a social function and dressed accordingly. Always a challenge but one I can handle.

Do a quick check in the mirror (tags showing? deodorant on smoothly?) and note a stray piece of fabric hanging out the right armhole of my sleeveless blouse. Yank at it. Fwap. Ouch. Not a thread. A piece of elastic from my (new) bra.

Try yanking again – carefully. No go. I have ten minutes before it’s time to leave. Grab scissors. Cannot manipulate hands, arms and scissors to perform amputation of said piece. Whip off blouse and bra and successfully remove wayward elastic. Note another loose piece. Damn. No longer trust this bra. Total disintegration a possibility.

Root around in drawer for another one. Favourite bra not an option – not party quality. Other (newish) bra drying in laundry room. Grab a pristine white one. Realize why it’s pristine - it makes me crazy – it’s a no clasp bra.

Five minutes to pick-up.

Pull bra down over my head – straps are all twisted, cup portion also twisted and ends up resting above my chest. Adjust accordingly. (Note to self – never again buy a no clasp bra.)

Blouse back on. Good to go. Another quick glance in the mirror. Put hands in pants pockets to get the total, cool effect. (Ha.) Shit. Thread hanging out of a pocket. This can be cut off without removing pants. Bonus.

No more looking in the mirror. No longer care and have no time to deal with whatever flaw I might find.

Run downstairs, grab purse. Made it. My drive has arrived.

Lean over to put on sandals. Straighten up. Note (slight) wedgie. Bloody hell. Twist around to see if it’s visible. Nothing from this angle but who knows? No time to change slacks and/or underwear (whichever may be the culprit – could be a combination of the two.) Will spend the evening discreetly dealing with it. Or never sit down.

I would like attend a party where t-shirts, old bras, shorts and flip-flops are the required dress.


Beth said...

those are the only kind of parties I like to go to!!!

hey, I think you should have just whipped the bra off and gone without!!! ;)

msb said...

you looked very chic and cool! I wonder how long it will take you for the next big function of theirs a year from now - lots of time to worry about it! At least YOU didn't have to keep a jacket on.

The Guy Who Writes This said...

Maybe next time cover your mirrors and take a leap of faith.

Mrs. G. said...

I understand your anxiety about dressing for a social gathering-this is why I tend to avoid them. I think the world is divided into two people: those who like to dress up and those who do not.

Hope you had fun!

Anonymous said...

I fall into the category of "those who do not like to dress up." Any social function where I am expected to dress up, is too stressful for me. Usually it is my mother-in-law having the function. Early in the marriage, she was having one of her "important social functions" and I picked out black pant and a nice sweater. Before the party started (we were staying with her) she asked "Do you want me to hold the baby (Melanie) so you can go upstairs and change?" Oh, so subtle.

Anyway, I hope you had a great time. I can truly identify. I am sure you looked wonderful.

La La said...

You are hilarious! I so get it. I went out last night, too. And, I had to dress accordingly, and it was a pain in the ass! But I had a good time anyway.

I hope you did too! That wedgie feeling is the worst.

La La said...

Your writing is FABULOUS! Just so you know!!!

Beth said...

Well, you looked gorgeous at the last "party" you attended!
(Bra-less? No way. White blouse.)

It will probably take me ten minutes to get ready - but another twenty doing repair work.
(I like "chic and cool.)

I think I would regret that - based on past (and recent) experience.

I hope the "retreat" caters to "those who do not."

Quite the nasty MIL there. That's the kind of remark one would never forget. (Nor have you.)

la la:
Yeah, dressing up can definitely be a pain in the ass - as can a wedgie!
Glad you had a good time. I did too.
(and thanks for the compliment...)

megan said...

You forgot to mention the button imprints on your calves!
But you're always beautiful.....

oreneta said...

Halleluja sister....though who knows, the braless look may have been a good one.

Beth said...

Oh, yeah, the imprints. Forgot about that flaw.
But you never saw a wedgie, did you? (Did you?!)

It might have been - but the people at that party will never know!

Seraphine said...

lol it's some kind of conspiracy by the universe,
the better i dress, the greater
the probability i'll spill something on it
before i even leave the house.
it's why i wear dark colors
and cotton even on summer evenings.

VE said...

I hate when I have bra malfunctions... ;)

Princess Pointful said...

Haha.... this was hysterical.
I always find mysterious stains the day of a big party... thus beginning the last minute game of mix and match.

Lainey-Paney said...

I'm sure you looked awesome!

now...what in the world is a no-clasp bra?

Dorky Dad said...

Man, I'm stressed out just READING that ...

(Note to self: be sure to thank God this evening for making me a dude ...)

Diesel said...

I feel like you're dancing around the real issue here: boobs.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'd rather go fishing than do a party. Then again, I'm sure my wife feels the same way.

Sherry said...

ROFL...after ALL that -- I hope you had a wonderful time!!! Sometimes a wedgie is a good thing -- makes the other people wonder what kind of good time you are really having!! wink, wink, nudge, nudge!! And here I thought it was only pant legs you had to fight with (sorry, I couldn't resist!!!).

Psychgrad said...

I'd love a sweats and a shirt party. I usually go through my entire wardrobe when getting ready to go out.