SWF

My on-line dating profile – which includes the standard evasions, exaggerations, misleading statements (and truth).

SWF seeks male companionship - not marriage  (this might appeal to some men – particularly the married ones – although they don’t appeal to me)

Divorced  (re: why the lack of interest in marriage)

Age:  A mature & fascinating one  (put actual age or be evasive with “mature”?  Let’s face it, either way I’m screwed.  I’ll be passed over for the 20 to 40 year age bracket - the preferred female age group for men ages 40 to 85)

Occupation:  freelance writer  (not an adequate income for survival)

Height and Weight:  Height: 5’ 4”  Weight: Within appropriate range – BMI just fine, thanks  (still retain girlish figure somewhere beneath the mature one)

Physically Fit:  Yes  (this is a stretch)  Excellent condition  (if you don’t count the wonky back which is not visibly apparent unless I’ve just been on a four to six hour flight or spent an hour or so weeding dandelions- see Hobbies)

Children:  Three boys  (All protective of their mother and of an age and size where they can HURT bad, nasty, deceitful men)

Family: Very much a family oriented person  (my family is somewhat dysfunctional & crazy but charming & lovable – as am I.  I’m hoping to keep the crazy & dysfunctional under wraps until the charm has worked its magic)

Sense of Humour:  Yes, a delightful one  (also raunchy, childish and perverse but no need for such honesty at this point)

Language of Choice:  English and Je parle un petit peu de français  (my French is abysmal but I think mentioning it adds a certain “Je ne sais quoi…”)

Vocabulary: Excellent  (includes creative & frequent profanity)

Hobbies and Interests

Reading  (in truth, this is an addiction but I think I can keep it under control - for awhile)

Music – eclectic taste  (if you make fun of my iTunes selections, I will be very sad and you will be very sorry)

Outdoors Person  (I occasionally enjoy breathing fresh air)

Walking  (“walking” is a euphemism for not really being into exercise but if you put it under hobbies & interests, people might think you are into marathon walking)

Pets - Love them!  (dogs only – no monkeys, parrots, snakes, lizards, rats, minks…)

Cooking  (this will capture the interest of hungry men but at this point in my life, I prefer food cooked by others)

Gardening - So relaxing and rewarding  (spectacular success with dandelions – quite the hearty annual)

Sports

- hockey  (used to play, reduced to just watching…)

- golf  (blatant lie – have never been on a golf course and bored to tears watching it on TV…however, including it might entice some males…I can always plead a headache…)

Films – both foreign and domestic (this sounds far more sophisticated than “movies” and I count anything made outside Canada as foreign)

Fine dining  (really, who doesn’t enjoy an occasional fine dining experience?  I’d actually be content with a Harvey’s burger but that doesn’t sound very impressive)

Love to travel  (you have to say this – everyone does.  What I don’t have to say is that I’m not a particularly great tourist – limited patience for line-ups and/or spending hours & hours in museums, galleries, etc.) 

Cottage Life  (of course I love cottage life – I own one.  But I’m not going to cop to that.  Anyone possibly interested - one of the 70 – 85 year olds - might think they’ve hit on a good thing in terms of retirement funding)

Swimming - love to swim in both the lake and the ocean  (okay in the lake after an “all clear” re: aquatic life but the ocean?...once got caught in an undertow…washed ashore with bathing suit butt full of sand…now leery of waves)

Boating – A great way to spend time – any time of day  (can paddle a canoe and wrench my arm out of its socket starting the 15hp motorboat)

Romantic Pastimes – walking on the beach and candlelight dinners  (again, these are a must for every profile…but if on a beach, do not push me into those waves and as for candlelight, I prefer to see what’s on my plate)

Describe Yourself in Ten words (words in brackets don’t count)

Attractive (if you have myopia or hyperopia)

Love to laugh (occasionally snort when doing so)

Empathetic (to a fault)

Intelligent (wonder what my I.Q. is?)

Independent (need my “alone” time)

Kind (unless forced to be otherwise – and then watch out…)

Low maintenance (god, this is so pathetically true)

Looking For:

Forget this part because I’m really not looking.  Absolute truth.  Cross my heart.  I created this far too lengthy & crazy profile as a lark – inspired by the experiences of others.  Some of those experiences were mind-numbingly boring or ridiculous - at best, laughable - at worst, horrific.  Forewarned is forearmed.  (and, no, I do not have four arms…)

photo credit: google images