Monday, April 16, 2012

SWF






My on-line dating profile – which includes the standard evasions, exaggerations, misleading statements (and truth).


SWF seeks male companionship - not marriage  (this might appeal to some men – particularly the married ones – although they don’t appeal to me)

Divorced  (re: why the lack of interest in marriage)

Age:  A mature & fascinating one  (put actual age or be evasive with “mature”?  Let’s face it, either way I’m screwed.  I’ll be passed over for the 20 to 40 year age bracket - the preferred female age group for men ages 40 to 85)

Occupation:  freelance writer  (not an adequate income for survival)

Height and Weight:  Height: 5’ 4”  Weight: Within appropriate range – BMI just fine, thanks  (still retain girlish figure somewhere beneath the mature one)

Physically Fit:  Yes  (this is a stretch)  Excellent condition  (if you don’t count the wonky back which is not visibly apparent unless I’ve just been on a four to six hour flight or spent an hour or so weeding dandelions- see Hobbies)

Children:  Three boys  (All protective of their mother and of an age and size where they can HURT bad, nasty, deceitful men)

Family: Very much a family oriented person  (my family is somewhat dysfunctional & crazy but charming & lovable – as am I.  I’m hoping to keep the crazy & dysfunctional under wraps until the charm has worked its magic)

Sense of Humour:  Yes, a delightful one  (also raunchy, childish and perverse but no need for such honesty at this point)

Language of Choice:  English and Je parle un petit peu de français  (my French is abysmal but I think mentioning it adds a certain “Je ne sais quoi…”)

Vocabulary: Excellent  (includes creative & frequent profanity)

Hobbies and Interests

Reading  (in truth, this is an addiction but I think I can keep it under control - for awhile)

Music – eclectic taste  (if you make fun of my iTunes selections, I will be very sad and you will be very sorry)

Outdoors Person  (I occasionally enjoy breathing fresh air)

Walking  (“walking” is a euphemism for not really being into exercise but if you put it under hobbies & interests, people might think you are into marathon walking)

Pets - Love them!  (dogs only – no monkeys, parrots, snakes, lizards, rats, minks…)

Cooking  (this will capture the interest of hungry men but at this point in my life, I prefer food cooked by others)

Gardening - So relaxing and rewarding  (spectacular success with dandelions – quite the hearty annual)

Sports
- hockey  (used to play, reduced to just watching…)
- golf  (blatant lie – have never been on a golf course and bored to tears watching it on TV…however, including it might entice some males…I can always plead a headache…)

Films – both foreign and domestic (this sounds far more sophisticated than “movies” and I count anything made outside Canada as foreign)

Fine dining  (really, who doesn’t enjoy an occasional fine dining experience?  I’d actually be content with a Harvey’s burger but that doesn’t sound very impressive)

Love to travel  (you have to say this – everyone does.  What I don’t have to say is that I’m not a particularly great tourist – limited patience for line-ups and/or spending hours & hours in museums, galleries, etc.) 

Cottage Life  (of course I love cottage life – I own one.  But I’m not going to cop to that.  Anyone possibly interested - one of the 70 – 85 year olds - might think they’ve hit on a good thing in terms of retirement funding)

Swimming - love to swim in both the lake and the ocean  (okay in the lake after an “all clear” re: aquatic life but the ocean?...once got caught in an undertow…washed ashore with bathing suit butt full of sand…now leery of waves)

Boating – A great way to spend time – any time of day  (can paddle a canoe and wrench my arm out of its socket starting the 15hp motorboat)

Romantic Pastimes – walking on the beach and candlelight dinners  (again, these are a must for every profile…but if on a beach, do not push me into those waves and as for candlelight, I prefer to see what’s on my plate)


Describe Yourself in Ten words (words in brackets don’t count)

Attractive (if you have myopia or hyperopia)
Love to laugh (occasionally snort when doing so)
Empathetic (to a fault)
Intelligent (wonder what my I.Q. is?)
Independent (need my “alone” time)
Kind (unless forced to be otherwise – and then watch out…)
Low maintenance (god, this is so pathetically true)

Looking For:
Forget this part because I’m really not looking.  Absolute truth.  Cross my heart.  I created this far too lengthy & crazy profile as a lark – inspired by the experiences of others.  Some of those experiences were mind-numbingly boring or ridiculous - at best, laughable - at worst, horrific.  Forewarned is forearmed.  (and, no, I do not have four arms…)



photo credit: google images

23 comments:

Cid said...

I have been joking with my Other Half that since I am about to be on the downward slide to 50 (tomorrow) that he should probably get on-line and start looking for my replacement. You fit all the criteria other than, as you said, men of any age are only looking for women who are 20-30, no matter how old and pathetic they (the men) are because apparently the beer commercials are true.

Sherry said...

Hey Ms. Freelance Writer - this is a book in the genre of other women who can take reality and spin it so that we laugh -- go and write it!! You've already started!

oreneta said...

EXCELLENT post, and I am going to have to keep coming back here to check your comments, see if you get any nibbles!

Beth said...

Cid:
Beer commercials, car commercials and their own fantasy worlds…
Reality is – these old men need $$ to be considered a good catch by younger women.
(One of my sisters once said her ideal man was, “Old, rich and ill.” Sooo bad… ;)

(Happy Birthday!)

Sherry:
Maybe…but I think I’d have to actually experience the on-line dating world in order to write about it. Not prepared to subject myself to that kind of stress and misery!
(some stories are heartbreaking)

oreneta:
I think my having inserted “the truth” will eliminate any nibbles... ;)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you should delete the "cottage life" item because I'm pretty sure "cottaging" means something sordid. Maybe not in Canada, who knows? Perhaps you should mention your high level of education to discourage the wrong sort and encourage the right sort?

laughingwolf said...

lol... funny girl! ;)

Beth said...

GB:
Years ago, I was told the other meaning for “cottaging.” How could I have forgotten that? Definitely not a Canadian thing – we use the term in reference to spending time at a cottage.
And since my “profile” is just a joke, I could say I have a Ph.D.
That would make me Dr. Beth! ;)

Beth said...

LW:
Funny, cynical girl/woman. ;)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I'm highly entertained by all the paranthesized comments, Beth. And I'm impressed with the golfing lie. But it's an expensive hobby, and men are cheap, so I'm doubtful that would actually work in your favor. Unless you found a sugar daddy...Hey, maybe you should actually post this. I better shut-up. I'm the worst person to advise you on these matters.

xoRobyn

nursemyra said...

I think you should leave in all the bracketed words, makes for a more amusing and personal profile

Beth said...

Robyn:
If I ever considered on-line dating, you’d be the FIRST person I’d turn to for advice!

nursemyra:
Tempting to actually use it – to see how “the truth” is received. ;)

Jaya J said...

good one, Beth. this profile just made me laugh. thanks :) it's great that you mentioned your children and what they are capable of.
hahaha.

Zhu said...

I would keep the answer in italics and ditch the rest: this is you and this is funny, honest, likable and refreshing to read!

Beth said...

Jaya J
Excellent – it was meant to make you laugh. :)

Zhu
Thanks – too bad all on-line profiles aren’t completely honest – it would make for some good/interesting matches…

laughingwolf said...

here ye be, b: http://www.harlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=538&chapter=0

Beth said...

LW:
You’re sweet to think of me - but no more romance novels from my pen/keyboard...short stories only... ;)

Anonymous said...

Simp;y charming and wonderful...gosh if I was not married, I would date you!

:-)

Nomad

Juliette said...

Brilliant! So, funny. I think you should actually post THAT as your ad. Very refreshing and appealing ;)

Attila the Mom said...

LOL! Love it! I've heard all kinds of buzz about the book, but really, any kind of S & M is not my cup of tea, although I joke about it.

Valerie Marie said...

Chère Beth,
I'm coming from ATM's blog. Apreciate your comments ans wanted to say hello.
Love this post!
A french girl in Germany

Beth said...

Valerie Marie:
Thanks for the visit. If you have a blog, I'd love to visit yours but don't know how to get there! No link provided with your comment.

Valerie Marie said...

Dear Beth,

I have no blog because my english is very poor. Also I read a lot in this language ( the last on: The Empress of Weehawken - Irene Dische) I could'nt write like you or Marla do.

Have a nice day!
Valerie Marie

Beth said...

Valerie Marie:
You could always create your blog in French, add this gadget (see below) which enables translation – and join us in blogging!

http://buzz.blogger.com/2012/05/translate-and-two-more-new-gadgets-for.html