Thursday, October 11, 2007

Phrases That Make You Cringe

“To make a long story short.”

When you hear this line, hunker down. You’re in for the long haul. Sadly, the person truly believes they edited their story.

“Well, if you want my advice.”

Note - this is usually said when you did not ask for any advice.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but…”

This one really slays me. They know you don’t want to hear it and they’re going tell you anyway!

“Do you want to know a secret?”

Depends on who’s asking. But no matter who is doing the telling, it sure as hell isn’t a secret anymore. And I make a point of never telling any secret of mine to a person who asks this question.

“I’ve gotta tell you about this movie I saw…”

No, you don’t! Please, God, no…

“I know nobody asked for my opinion but…”

Right. Nobody asked but we’re going to get it anyway. Crap.

“This will just take a minute.”

I think your minute is longer than my minute.

“Try some – you’ll love it.”

That line might work on a kid but it doesn’t work with me anymore.

“Okay, lets figure out who owes what…”

Ladies, please! Let’s just divide the restaurant bill evenly.
Nooo! DO NOT get out your calculators!

“Could you do me a little favour?”

After years of experience, I now reply, “Depends what it is.”
I never say, “Sure.”

Oh, geez, there are tons of these phrases. I’m getting all agitated just thinking of them. Must stop.

Would you care to make a contribution?

(HAH! Tricked ya’. That’s yet another one…)


The Guy Who Writes This said...

Hold my beer or even worse, pull my finger.

Beth said...

Three boys, lots of fingers - I don't fall for that one any more!

Patience said...

Found my way from Dorky Dad's Wife's post.

Can you spot me $10 for lunch until I can get to the bank this afternoon?

Brendan said...

“To make a long story short.”

The other thing that's so annoying about this phrase is that it's often said at the end of the story.

Brendan said...

P.S. Great sign. I must steal a copy of it! Where did you get it?

Shari said...

I'll rub your back if you rub mine.

Acck. Who takes turns all the time? Not in this house. :) Sorry. It gets me. Why? To make a long story short....

Anonymous said...

Very funny and very true Beth. I started to twitch just reading them!! Mine would be similar to yours, "Don't tell anyone I told you but..." or "Do you have a second?" or "Please come to my Tupperware party, you don't have to buy anything, you can just come for the food." (Yeah, right, I always end up spending too much on something I had on intention of buying, plus I am not social and hate group parties, where we oooh and ahh over plastic)
"Can you give me a ride, I'll give you gas money?" Like I would take the money.
Ok, I am off. Hannah is home today. First time playing gym at her new school, they played FOOTBALL, hit in the head with an elbow. Concussion headache. Not a good way to start off the new school. Can you say stress?
Thanks for the laugh with your post!! Did I mention that you make me smile? So true!!!

Sherry said...

ROFL Beth!!! These are all so horrible...horribly true!!! Can I ask you a favour...that's the one I dread the most...because I know it will be something I just absolutely do not want to do...or if it's just going to take a second I might as well give up a few hours!!

Beth said...

I'm actually the kind of person who'd lend you that $10 - if I knew you. That's the kind of thing I would fall for - at least once!

Or worse - supposedly at the end but it ends up beginning the next chapter!
(Found the sign via Google images.)

Do you still fall for that line??

Your examples are great - see how easy it is to come up with them once you start?
Oh, Hannah. If only you could keep her in a bubble. No more sports until that headache is gone!

Beth said...

While reading your comment, for a split second I thought you were actually asking me for a favour...
Not that I wouldn't do one for you. Maybe. Depends...

All Mod Cons said...

"I'll be there in 5 minutes"...Yeah, bollocks you will be.

"What time are you arriving? I'll definitely be there to meet you"...again, bollocks you will be.

"There's plenty more fish in the sea"...say what? On a list of things I need to hear right now that's right up there with "unscrew my head with a mallet".

"You've missed a bit" wasn't funny the first time, 185,396 times later, it still isn't funny.

Starting sentences with "Basically". The "basic" explanation isn't anymore "basic" than the normal one, learn a new word!

I think I should stop now before I REALLY get into the swing of it!

Brendan said...

There was one that really drove me up the wall when I was living in Rhode Island: Not for nothing, but …

It was used instead of “I know you don’t want to hear this, but…”, “Well, if you want my advice,” and “I know nobody asked for my opinion but…”

Which means that not only was it annoying in the way all of these phrases are, but it had two additional irritations: it's semantically meaningless and I had to hear it three times as frequently. Voh Dilun had many such instances of fractured and limited vocabulary, which was why I fled after only twelve short years.

Beth said...

"I don't mean to be rude, but....."

"Well, I wouldn't ever wear that, but it looks nice on YOU!"

"Does this make my butt look big?"

there are Soooooooooooo many others!!!

charlotta-love said...

I always joke with the person. If they say, "Can I ask you a question?" I respond, "You just did. Do you want to ask another?"

It usually stuns them for a few seconds before they get the nerve to ask another question. lol.

My other favorite is if someone knows I know something and wants me to gossip. I'll lean in real close and whisper, "Can you keep a secret?" They get all excited and whisper back, "YES!" I back away, look at them and say, "So can I." They get the point.

Beth said...

all mod cons:
Wow - you did get into the swing of it!
(Basically, you seem to have caught on...)

Okay, I think you won for the most irritating phrase - thank god I've never had to hear that one.

I can't believe I forgot the, "I don't mean to be rude one..." That's got to be the biggest cringe-inducer!

Oh, you're wicked - and good!

Anonymous said...

How about


I know you loooooove that one.

Sherry said...

yeah sure Beth, I was asking you a favour (LOL!) will only take you a sec..... ROFL!!!

Beth said...

Good one!
I may surprise you and use it one day...

Yeah, I'll get right on it...

Princess Pointful said...

"Ewww... this smells/tastes gross? Wanna try?"

No thanks... I'll take your word for it.

MyUtopia said...

The one that bugs me is, "I'm just saying"

Angela said...

Great last line! And the secret advice is priceless. I'll make a note of it.

Angela said...

And oh, my favorite is, "I don't mean to be difficult, but . . . " (sometimes replacing "difficult" with "a bitch," depending on who's talking)

Gary said...

Thank you for sharing.

This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

Time heels all wounds.

It all comes round in the end.

Diesel said...

When I was doing tech support, the phrase that sent chills down my spine was, "One more thing while I have you on the phone..."

Beth said...

princess pointful:
I wonder why people even think you'd want to after such a warning?

That's a new one, right? Hasn't caught on around here.

I confess. I'm guilty of something similar - "I don't want to sound like a nag, but..."
And I really don't want to nag but after asking 50 times, well...I do.

Your examples are the kind that are so nice, they're painful to hear...

That's the exact phrase that drives doctors crazy, too - in their office, on the phone...

adrienne said...

I have a degree in psychology so my absolute least favorite conversation opener is: "Listen to this dream I had last night..."

AAAAARRRRGHH! There is nothing more boring that listening to someone else's dream!

Beth said...

Agreed - that's worse than having to listen to someone "recap" a movie!

Mike M said...

1) (From the boss)I need you to come to my office.

2)Guess what happened to me?

3)Can I ask you a question?

4)Are you going to finish that?

5)What's for lunch? (someone asks while your are eating)

6)Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

7)Do you know why I pulled you over?

8)Act you age