Monday, August 06, 2007


Bored to near-tears in a doctor’s waiting room last week (just a routine eye checkup) I picked up a few of the women’s magazines. Didn’t even bother looking beyond the covers. It’s all been said and done and written before.

Without naming names, below is a list of some of the title headings on these magazine covers followed by my own synopsis of what might be (??) contained in the actual articles. Slight exaggeration and flippancy may be noted.

(Yes, I was bored, frustrated and full of cynicism. It happens.)

1. Why More Women Are Taking Anti-depressants

Because they’re fed up and depressed.
(And, yeah, it’s easier for doctors to prescribe meds than take the time listen to these women.)

2. How To Wear Shorts

Put one leg through each opening at a time.
If you can’t do up the zipper, button or snap, don’t wear them.
If they have an elastic waist – bonus.
If they look like hell but feel comfortable – wear them and rejoice.

3. Rediscover A Fulfilling Sex Life

Find another partner.
Change is good. New “moves” might help.

4. Why I Left My Home and Family to Climb Mount Everest

I needed a rest.

(I made up this title. It kind of goes along with those “Amazing Women Tell Their Stories” articles.)

5. Fast and Easy Summertime Recipes

Right. Easy for the chef in the magazine’s well-stocked kitchen with the help of assistants.
These recipes call for ingredients I’ve never heard of.
And if the prep time says 20 minutes – HAH! Double or triple that.

6. How To Have It All – Balancing a Career and Family

Bullshit. Can’t be done.
See point # 1.

7. Super Summer Cuts

(This is referring to hairstyles, not meat.)

For Pete’s sake – just because I have my hair cut in a style worn by some woman in these pictures doesn’t mean it’s going to look as good on me.
I’m not that stupid.
And I know from experience I will never be able to duplicate what the hairdresser did with my hair once I’m on my own.

Had enough? I have. Years of advice and “helpful hints.” No more.

I’m continuing this journey on my own.


Beth said...

LOL!!!!! BETH!!! This was HILARIOUS!!!!! and SO true!

I have to admit, when I first saw the picture of all. those. magazines....I almost had an orgasm...but I pulled myself together to read the rest. LOL!!

girl, you are an ornery one!! LOVE it!!

Beth said...

If you ever make it up here for a visit, I'm hiding all magazines!

Yeah, I can be ornery. And I consider that a good thing.

Attila The Mom said...

Hehehehe. So so true!

I remember as a teen taking a picture of some starlet to the salon and asking for something "just like that".

Never mind that she had wavy hair and mine won't hold a curl.

Beth said...

So then you get talked into having a perm done and end up looking like Harpo Marx - ya' can't win!

All Mod Cons said...

I LOVE womens magazines. When I was at school all the guys stole the girls magazines to read them and glean pearls of wisdom from them.

I'm not sure it ever worked. I've never got the hang of co-ordinating my heels with my hair clips. And my period pains are still a bitch no matter what "natural" remedies I use.

oreneta said...

That was funny, some of those articles are simply stupid....

Beth said...

all mod cons:
I think you must have inhaled those magazines - or inhaled something while reading them!

Ah, so you've read them too!
(Honestly, what woman hasn't?)
It's amazing how the same subject matter gets recycled - as if we couldn't possibly retain it.

MyUtopia said...

LOL, great post! That is so funny!

Mamma said...

I can't help it. They suck me in when I'm getting my toes done (don't hate me for my pedi).

But I'm with you. Let's go it on our own!!

Beth said...

The truth can be a great source of humour - although perhaps I was a tad cynical?

What the hell else is offered for for reading during mani & pedi time?

Shari said...

They all say/look the same, don't they? What subject hasn't been covered and rewritten? I used to read those mags in the waiting rooms. Then I get called. When all is said and done and I get home, it's like, I didn't finish that article. Now I bring my own book or mag. That way I don't go through that "left hanging" feeling.

Beth said...

And if you do ever manage to finish an article in a doctor's waiting room, it's because you've been made to wait TOO LONG!

Anonymous said...

Beth, This post made my day. I was was laughing out loud. This is all so true, and yet they all act they are printing new, exciting news. SO funny. I admitt, I order way too many for school fundraisers and they just sit in my basket, until I get sick of looking at them and recycle them. Every year I swear I will not order any more.....
Hey, thanks for telling me about your son and your prior post. I went back and read it today. I had no idea. Boy have we been down the same road. I found it very, very helpful and I so appreciate the support. I have learned so much this year about concussions and head injuries and how little some doctors know. I thank God for the Concussion Clinic.

cipriano said...

Beth, I am going to stick to my Harpers.
I think it is the only worthwhile magazine out there!

tracey said...

#6 is soooo true! Katharine Hepburn said it years ago when asked why she didn't ever have a family. She said it wouldn't be fair to her family, as she wanted to focus on her career and you can't do both well.

Dorky Dad said...

Women's mags: Eat fattening foods! Lose weight!

Men's mags: Have more sex! Lose that gut!

Beth said...

Hope things are going well - or as well as can be expected. It can take so long. But as we both know, youth is on their side when it comes to recovery.
Glad my post made you laugh!

You have put the rest of us to shame.
You really shouldn't take my word as to the worthiness of those other magazines - give them a try. Increase your knowledge of the female psyche!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with attempting both - but if women do, they must keep in mind that they can't give 100% to both. The trick is not to drive yourself crazy trying.

dorky dad:
Men's magazines should put it this way - "Lose that gut and then you'll get more sex!"

Fishman said...

Next time when you visit the doctor, invite him for tea. Make him sit in the garage for half an hour with a lot of yesteryears magazines before you invite him in!

Mike M said...

Beth, you are so funny!!!!!!!!!!! I love this post!

Beth said...

I wish.
Like doctors make house calls - even with an invite for tea.
But I do have some old National Geographic magazines I could put out for their reading pleasure.

Thanks - that makes me feel good!

patricia said...

Hey Cip, don't forget the New Yorker! Not too many bimbo articles in that mag, either.

Beth, this post is definitely laugh-out-loud funny. And so true!! Gawd I hate all those stupid, inane magazines. Especially the ones who claim to have NEW!! dieting and sex tips every month. It's enough to drive a person to stuff their faces and give up sex. Well, at least stuff one's face.

Beth said...

After years of studious, scientific research re: these magazines, two things are clear.
New diets are a bunch of hooey and new sex tips are simply old ones recycled.

Hey, it's raining! Hurray!

Princess Pointful said...

Ha!!! Too funny!

So true about the recipes-- who can filet 5 pieces of salmon in under a minute, honestly?!

Beth said...

princess pointful:

Oh, yes, they lie! Or exaggerate - big time.

(You fillet your salmon? I'm so friggin' lazy I buy mine already filleted.)

Diesel said...

I would be so insulted by "women's magazines" if I was a woman. At least men's magazines don't pretend to be doing something really admirable when they cater to our basest instincts.

Beth said...

Catering to your basest instincts?
I thought men just read the informative articles in those magazines. Wow, I've been duped.

Fishman said...

Hi Beth, thanks for the visit!

Fishman said...
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