Monday, May 10, 2010

The Post Where She Finally Speaks Out

Friday night I was at a party which reminded me of the book/movie The First Wives Club – but without the revenge theme. It was apparent those in attendance adhered to the expression, “Living well is the best revenge.” We had all discovered we were much happier people no longer playing the role of wife in those marriages.

There was wine, pizza, much laughter and stories shared. And while I partied with the best of them, during the evening I felt something was amiss. I didn’t feel quite in sync with the others. Couldn’t figure it out.

Upon leaving, I congratulated the hostess yet again on the fact she and her ex had recently signed their Separation Agreement. (The reason for the celebratory evening.) She said, “It’s such a relief to have it done. It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after living with that stress for so long.”

Still, despite her parting words, it wasn’t until the next morning while writing her a thank you that I finally clued in as to what set me apart from the other women. And when I did, it rocked me. It shouldn’t have – it is so in-your-face obvious but apparently I have become so used to a certain way of life, I hadn’t been able see it.

It had taken her approximately one year from the decision to end their marriage to the signing of a Separation Agreement. The other women have long since finished with that part of the process. They are divorced. As for me? It’s been three years since my separation and nothing has been legally resolved. I know of lengthier cases but I consider three years a long time to live with such a matter hovering in the background. Or, at times, smack in the forefront.

I wish my not-yet-legal-ex all the best in his new life with his new house, new partner and new whatever else he desires in life. I want to be able to move on as well, put this behind me. Until attending that party, I never gave much credence to the word “closure.” Now I realize what it truly means - the peace it can bestow. I want the stress gone – the stress which manifests itself in physical ways.

I want what those other women have - an end to the battle.

I want the legal right to sell this house – to live somewhere else.

I want the cottage issue settled. I want to be able to enjoy summers with my sisters and their families in their cottages next to mine without having to divide and share the months with my ex.

I no longer want to continue paying legal bills with nothing ever being resolved.

I no longer want to have to fight for what I consider a fair and just settlement. “My way or the highway” doesn’t work for me.

Three years have taken their toll.

I am done. I am tired.

But I am not done. And I am still wide awake.

I don’t think I’ll ever attend one of those parties again until I have become a full-fledged member of that club in the legal sense. Noting the difference was hard.

And if you’ve managed to read this far, be assured my usual posts will resume sometime soon. This particular one is the sort that usually never sees the light of day. Not quite sure why I’m airing such a private matter in a public forum. Will I have regrets? Perhaps.

I’ve closed comments – encouragement, sympathy or advice are neither sought nor required – it is what it is. As for humorous comments? Those, I’ll miss. ;)

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