Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bear With Me...

Caught off guard today by yet another legal salvo. After two years, you have to wonder how anything could still surprise me. But it can and does.

Each legal/marital situation is unique, but I’m beginning to understand why so many women eventually fold in these legal battles. They have other far more important priorities in life.

My priorities? My children, my mother (her medical issues), my own health and my desire to move on – put this all behind me.

I’m heading to the cottage tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be beautiful and I’m hoping to beat the arrival of the black flies. Their ETA is some time in May.

I’ll be doing some thinking while I’m there. Asking myself questions.

How do you define strength? Is there strength in simply walking away? Can you place a value on peace? Is there ever truly a winner or loser in this sort of situation? What about the collateral damage? My children, family and friends…

And what would it be like to be free of this?

A friend of mine noted that perhaps all along the game plan has been to wear me down. Now, that’s not very nice, is it? ;)

Funny how things happen. Made the decision to go to the cottage early this morning, discovered a beautiful song shortly after that (courtesy of Seraphine – my thanks to you) and then received the latest legal info. It all turned out just right. I’m going to a place I love, discovered a song that reminds me of the peace I feel when I’m there and I need to be there now.

For those of you who listen to videos that are posted, the song is “Blue” by Lucinda Williams. Not blue as in “I’m feeling blue…” but in the sense of what being at the cottage means to me, what it does for me. (And, yeah, I like country music – that eclectic taste of mine…) Lyrics below.

Blue – Lucinda Williams

Go find a jukebox and see what a quarter will do
I don't wanna talk I just wanna go back to blue
Feeds me when I'm hungry and quenches my thirst
Loves me when I'm lonely and thinks of me first
Blue is the color of night
When the red sun
Disappears from the sky
Raven feathers shiny and black
A touch of blue glistening down her back
We don't talk about heaven and we don't talk about hell
We come to depend on one another so damn well
So go to confession whatever gets you through
You can count your blessings I'll just count on blue
Blue is the color of night
When the red sun
Disappears from the sky
Raven feathers shiny and black
A touch of blue glistening down her back


Anonymous said...

Amazing how one can think they know someone they lived with for years and then be blindsided by their petty, self-centered ways! Remember, what goes around comes around. People that can't "man up" and do the honourable thing will pay the price down the line. Take the high road my friend (for you and your children). Kill "them" with kindness and "they" will live with the consequences, not you! Personal character isn't bought, it's earned! It's "his" turn.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your going to the cottage and I hope the black flies don't make an appearance. I love that your going to a place of tranquility and can get the peace of mind you deserve.

I love the song!! It really is beautiful and I can see why it speaks to you.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. Without closure, it is so hard to move on. However, you have your priorities very clear and I just know that you will be in a better place soon.

Enjoy your time of relaxation and reflection.

Casdok said...

The cottage sounds a perfect place to find some answers to your questions.

Bee said...

Oh Beth, much sympathy.

I do completely understand why you might want to just withdraw (and not just to the cottage, but from the legal battle). I hope your retreat nourishes your spirit.

oreneta said...

A big fat groan about the legalities. So sorry.

The cottage though sounds like a great idea.

We're behind you in this for what it is worth, just wish you didn't have to go through it all.

On another note, I LOVE Lucinda Williams, though here CD is in TO, so that was lovely to hear.

sherry lee said...

Your friend makes a very excellent point...wear you down. Not very nice. Especially not very nice to think that someone you shared so much of your life with would do this to you -- for what? Personal gain? Victory? His own sense of self importance? Hard to know what goes through someone else's mind at times.

The song speaks volumes...and I wish you peace at your haven while you sort through your thoughts. Your strength will carry you through. ♥

The Guy Who Writes This said...

Strength would be going to the lake during black fly season...or would that be stupidity?

Deidra said...

Enjoy your time away. A cottage sounds like a wonderful retreat. What a blessing to have a refuge/sanctuary like that.

Prayers for a peaceful weekend...

Cid said...

Don't let any bad thoughts intrude on your cottage time. I am so jealous, according to the Ice Out Website our lake isn't even open yet. Relax and enjoy.

The Bodhi Chicklet said...

Have a truly wonderful time before those nasty black flies come out. From one who knows...

And a lovely song too. This too, shall pass. Keep your integrity in tact.

And let us know what happens to those pieces of writing you've sent out into the universe. You never know until you try.

Gladys said...

Stop at a book store on your way out of town and pick up "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It will help you work throught all of this. I went through something horribly cathartic a couple of years ago. Someone who loves me very much insisted I read this book. It helped me put perspective on everything and made me so much stronger.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I always go to my cottage when I find myself in a contemplative state. Something about the quiet that helps...

Have a wonderful weekend!

Gary said...

You'll know what's the best for you Beth. What you can best live with. What will feel good when the sh*t passes.

I love that song - and the whole album really.

Enjoy your break.

Anonymous said...

The song brought tears to my eyes. I am SO VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN you have gone through these 2 years. It hurts everyone so much. End it now. Be the strong one, walk away. My wish is that someday he understands the pain he has caused so many people with his cold and cruel ways. But I don't think he is even capable of that. You are by far the superior person and always have been.

cipriano said...

A great, visceral Bethian post.
Is there strength in simply walking away?Yes.
It's probably one of those things that are a matter of opinion, but my opinion is that the answer is yes.
And not only so, but at times more strength is needed to walk away than to not walk away!

Laura said...

The only way to win, whatever that means to you, is to do what feels right--at this moment. That can change, as is to be expected. But don't worry about what others might think or how they may interpret your actions, only you can know what you need, or think you need. And that is all you can go by.

Thoughts of clarity and strength out to you.

Blanche DuBois said...

I wish I had a cottage or something like it.
I used to define strength as my ability defer incontinence on very long road trips.
Now I think of it perserverance beyond what you believed you could endure.

I am not very strong.

Beth said...

sometimes I think it IS just to wear you down...which ISN'T nice, is it? But then, there's not really anything nice about the whole deal anyway.

go to the cottage and enjoy your time...before the flies hit.

I was at a banquet last night and the speaker said this:

"It's amazing...we live our lives in chain and don't even realize we hold the key."

love you're so strang. you can get through this and come out better on the other side.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Lucinda Williams has been in the music scene for a long long time. Most folks haven't heard of her. She has never compromised her music career, preferring to do things her way. It seems appropriate that you would discover her music. Good luck with everything.

Seraphine said...

i think insurance companies abuse the system by using legal action to wear people down who are due payment. enough people accept less than their rightful amount (often because of sickness, age or emotional issues) that insurance companies find the court system profitable.
it's sad.
it's even sadder that you have to deal with legal issues when you thought everything was settled.
you have the strength to get through this!